Teen dating violence starts gradually
It never starts with a slap. Or a punch. Or a sexual assault. It is much more insidious than that, sneakier, more gradual. So when it happens, it takes teens and parents, school officials and friends, by surprise. When a teenager we know is a victim of dating violence, we find ourselves wondering, “how could this happen?”
It begins for many teens with the romance of being wanted, the thrill of having a relationship, the appeal of being part of a couple in a social environment that measures value by “popularity.” Teen dating violence often begins with the slow-building but constantly increasing isolation of a young woman or man— from her friends, from his family, from activities. It sounds so attractive at first, “I just want you to be with me.” As the control tightens, the loving request begins to change to “where are you,” “what are you doing,” “who are you with?” The text messages become a barrage of control; the casual hand-holding in the hallway becomes a firm grip on the arm leading her away from her friends. The most significant indicator that a relationship will become physically abusive is the presence of verbally abusive behavior.
The statistics are frightening. A study by Liz Claiborne Inc. indicated that 25 percent of 1,000 teens surveyed said that they had been harassed, called names or ridiculed by a dating partner over the phone or via text messaging.
Often the interactions occurred between midnight and 5 a.m. — when parents are sleeping. Even more disturbing is the Center for Disease Control’s 2007 survey of 15,000 adolescents in which 10 percent indicated they had suffered physical abuse (hitting or slapping) by a romantic partner — and nearly 8 percent reported they had been forced to have sexual intercourse. To bring those numbers closer to home, think about the high schools in our area. In a high school of 1,500 students, an estimated 150 students are being physically abused by a dating partner. In a high school of 3,000, that number increases to 300. Ask the teenagers in your house when they last heard anybody at school talk about dating violence.
Sadly, parents are often the last to know when a teen is caught in a violent or potentially violent relationship. Our kids are reluctant to tell because they are afraid — of the dating partner or of what their parents might do. They hesitate because they are new to dating relationships and aren’t clear about what is healthy and not. And like many other things in teenagers’ lives — they believe they can handle it. Parents believe that we’ve raised our children to be intelligent, capable, self-confident teenagers — and we have. However, parents and school officials have to come to terms with the reality that even the most confident and intelligent of our teens can be at risk of dating violence.
February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. Talk to the teenagers you know about what healthy dating relationships look like; talk to them about the relationships they (or their friends) are in and how to set appropriate boundaries; tell them it is okay to ask for help; tell them dating violence is never their fault. This Valentine’s Day, give the teens in your life some help along the way to a healthy relationship. That’s the best Valentine you could give them.
Anne K. Ard is the executive director of the Centre County Women’s Resource Center, 140 W. Nittany Ave., State College. Contact her at 238-7066, ext. 231, or at annekard@ccwrc.org.
