HARRISBURG — Carrying a black and red “Virginia is for Lovers” bag around the former site of the state wrestling tournament, I spread the scent of a rookie.
I’m not wearing camouflage.
I’m not a bow or rifle hunter.
I have never killed or attempted to kill an animal besides mice, flies, mosquitoes, spiders and ants. By the way, holler if you know how to remove annoying winter ants from a kitchen.
Plenty of thoughts permeate while parading through the Eastern Sports and Outdoor Show for the first time. The most frequent one: Please don’t judge me.
There’s a reasonable explanation why a 31-year-old man roams the musty State Farm Show Complex and holds a “Virginia is for Lovers” bag. It’s free and made of the world’s cheapest fabric, making it slightly stronger than the plastic Stihl bag I scored in the first hour of last week’s six-hour endurance test.
So with 37 pounds of free catalogues, magazines, travel guides, brochures and DVDs in the bag, I try to make sense of this 1,200- exhibitor spectacle.
Let’s start with the obvious. The Farm Show Arena, which hosted the PIAA wrestling championships four times in the 1970s, bristles with activity.
In an arena known as Archery Hall for nine days, hunters clutch bows and take aim at fake bucks, bears and turkeys. This is some sort of archery contest, although I’m not sure of the rules and arrows are leaving bows so fast I can’t tell if they are hitting animals or seats.
Contestants range from teenagers enjoying a reprieve from school to men wearing tight-fitting jerseys with corporate logos. Envision children using training wheels peddling alongside Tour de France veterans.
A friend claims there’s a reason why men are adorned in their 6 a.m. in November attire. They are ‘professional’ hunters. One alleged sharp-shooter had many fooled when he stuck an arrow in a wolf’s posterior.
A red light signals the end of the round. Shooters walk into the stands and collect their arrows. The man who shot the wolf in the wrong spot slowly trots to the site of his failed shot, thinking perhaps the crowd gathered behind the wooden fence might flee when the green light flashes. Hecklers remain stationary.
The Archery Hall represents a small, yet entertaining, portion of the show.
On the way to the main attraction, the guides and outfitters hall, you can munch on buffalo jerky (appetizer), devour a buffalo burger (main course) and savor buffalo chili (dessert). Once you reach the expansive hall, sensory overload emerges.
For $34,237, you can book an African hunting safari. The men and women behind booths explain it’s possible to see a lion and rhinoceros outside a zoo, and yes, both animals can be hunted if you want to sell your low-mileage Chevy Cobalt, enchanting house and wife’s Vera Bradley collection.
Hunters on budgets pursue less extravagant trips such as a weekend at the Spartan Hunting Preserve in Grandview, Tenn. The preserve, so we’re told by an affable man with a southern drawl, specializes in wild boar hunts.
These aren’t your backyard boars. Some weigh more than 500 pounds, and the man hands us a DVD to prove it. The DVD confirms his claim. The boars make Clinton or Lycomng county bears look like black labradors.
Anybody with a hunting retreat, preserve or hideaway makes an appearance here. Ditto for anybody with a televised outdoors show.
Big names in attendance: Stan Potts (never heard of him), Jim Shockey (watched his show once or twice), Pat Reeve and Nicole Jones (a charming couple), Lee and Tiffany Lakosky (another charming couple), and Chris Brackett (the Tony Hawk of outdoors programming). A few days later, I’m told Atlanta Braves third baseman Chipper Jones visited the show, a sign his right knee is healed. Jones nearly rein-jured the knee during a hunting trip to Kansas last November. Hey, Chipper you can hunt all you want — and afford to visit Zimbabwe, New Zealand and Newfounland and Idahoin the same month — when your baseball career ends. Be careful, brother. The Braves need you to finish second behind the Philadelphia Phillies.
Most of us will never afford an elaborate hunting trip. Some of us might never hunt.
A few in the crowd are satisfied with filling a “Virginia is for Lovers” bag and reading back issues of Turkey Country, Hog Life Magazine and The Alaska Professional Hunter.
Where else can somebody receive free copies of this Triple Crown?
Where else can somebody whose outdoors experiences consist of a few failed Spring Creek and Raystown Lake fishing journeys feel comfortable among enthusiasts owning two freezers to store venison?
Call me up, Mr. Potts. I’m ready to bow hunt for whitetail bucks.
Maybe not the real ones. But I’m ready to fling arrows at the fake ones I saw last week.
Guy Cipriano is a sports writer for the Centre Daily Times. He can be reached at 231-4643 or gciprian@centredaily.com.
