Chapter 3: Seeking forgiveness

By Jenny Hagemeyer

For years Ann had played over in her mind how she would finally return to her family without any encumbrances to keep her from telling the truth. She knew that she needed help but she felt justified in her anger and was not free to trust anyone with her hidden secret from the past.

MCT file illustration

About the author: Chapter 3

Moving away didn’t remove the great anguish inside her and the habitual struggles that continued. Recently, she met a younger woman in her job in Michigan who was vibrant and full of life. As they shared lunches together, Donna began to share her painful journey. Ann listened intently as Donna began to confide the secrets of the closet in her heart. Ann was amazed at how through all this tragedy in her life she never displayed any bitterness, resentment or anger. There seemed to be a light shining through her that drew others to her like a magnet. Ann found herself looking forward to her conversations with Donna.

Ann was trying to make a new life for herself, but the camera in her mind kept rewinding the pictures of her trauma. She was being faced with her past and the present. She loved her parents and recalled many precious memories as a child. As she looked at the deep wrinkles in her father’s pale face, she reminisced how he used to pick her up as a little child and place her on his back as she giggled with delight. Ann missed those times of late night conversations with her mother and the aroma of fresh baked cookies.

While living in Michigan, she would have scant moments of precious memories, but her painful memories would always penetrate them. Growing up as a little girl she had great self esteem and was very strong willed. Her daddy would always say, “You are the apple of my eye!” When he picked her up, she felt safe in his strong arms. Now as she looked at his frail body her heart was breaking in many pieces watching his suffering. The pain on her parent’s face was causing her pain to rise to the surface in her heart.

How had her life gotten so messed up? Ann had always delighted in her parents’ pride in her. Yet, how could they ever be proud of her again? How could she concede to the truth of her sudden departure? She had so many questions existing in her mind. How could she ever open up her wounded heart again? What will her parents think of her if she takes off the mask and becomes real? How can she tell them about the huge tidal wave of pain that has left her drowning in her sorrows? How could she express the prison in her heart filled with anger, bitterness and unforgiveness? Not to mention years with many restless and sleepless nights. Sometimes the nightmares were unbearable and she would waken with terror in her heart and her body quaking. Even in sunny days she felt the eeriness and chill of the darkness in her spirit.

Ann remembers the confident woman she had been, but the evil thrives and she remains in a cage of her life. The years are moving on as her emotions remain hidden in the closet of her heart. She has tried to focus on her new job as a journalist that keeps her traveling and sometimes helps to keep her mind off the pain and rejection. However, no matter how far she travels or how involved she becomes, the poisonous darts the enemy has placed in her mind continue to remain. She’s looked for quick fixes but hasn’t found any. She wants out of the valley of sorrow but can’t seem to find her way out. Her strength to move forward is waning. How could her parents forgive her when she can’t forgive herself?

She grew up in a stable environment yet she has become unstable. Maybe she can normalize her life living with her parents for awhile. Could this be the final climax of all these years? Is Ann about to have some encounters?