Fathers nurture children by listening, not advising

Three weeks ago, my son was playing in a basketball tournament and went to the free throw line to shoot a one-and-one with the score tied and 3 seconds left. He missed the shot, the game went into overtime and his team ended up losing.

After the game, I knew he was going to be upset and I wanted to tell him “You didn’t lose the game.” I reminded myself that it was more important to validate his feelings than to attempt to make him feel better. I didn’t talk and let him start things off. Sure enough, he said he lost the game by missing the free throw. I said, “That’s really hard to take, and I think I know how you feel.” He just looked at me, and I told him about how I had missed a free throw once in a game that would have made the difference.

Later, at dinner, he was better able to see that many

misses by others

played into the loss, and that he actually played pretty well.

Action ideas

•Think back to your childhood. Did your father validate or deny how you were feeling?

•Practice just listening when one of your kids is upset. Instead of offering advice, consider silence. Try to help identify the feeling you think your child is experiencing.

•Aim to paraphrase what your son or daughter is expressing to you to show you have been listening and understand.

•Check out the book, “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Faber & Mazlish. With cartoons and examples, it’s a tremendous resource that discusses opening communication with your kids by validating feelings.

The local fathering effort, in cooperation with the National Center for Fathering, provides bi-weekly action ideas to stimulate conversation between fathers and parents. For more information, or to join local conversations, contact Mick Trombley at mick@apartmentstore.com,

David Eggebeen at e5x@psu.edu, Robert Orndorff at rmo104@psu.edu,

or Marc McCann at 237-1719 or marc@thesecondmile.org.

Look for the Fathering Time blog at http://community.centre daily.com.