Downtown State College is apparently going to be defaced with a statue of Joe Paterno. The project coordinators are Ted Sebastianelli and Kim Intorre, and Pat Daugherty, owner of The Tavern, is gushing with excitement that the disgraceful thing may be located on Centennial Walkway near his restaurant. The statue will be called Joe’s Bench —isn’t that cute? A more appropriate name would be Joe’s Stench Bench.
The design of the despicable thing needs some modifications. It should feature Jerry Sandusky sitting on one end of the bench, Paterno at the other end, and a young boy sitting between them. Jerry, in “grooming mode,” should have one hand on the boy’s thigh while handing the boy some Penn State football tickets with the other hand. Joe, of course, would need to be wearing his dark, Coke-bottle “blinders” and looking longingly toward Beaver Stadium. And instead of Paterno reading “The Aeneid,” by Virgil, how about “Improved Coverup Techniques” by Catholic Cardinal Bernard Law or “Coverups 101” by Richard Nixon? And with these realistic changes, Centennial Walkway doesn’t work either. Pedophilia Walkway would be much better —all in the name of historical accuracy.
In addition, Daugherty needs to prepare for the inevitable. Upon seeing Joe’s Stench Bench, people will be throwing up unpredictably and Pedophilia Walkway will become slippery. So Pat needs to consider installing a Barf-Bag dispenser or a couple buckets near by. This would be a sensible hedge against costly injury lawsuits.