Healthy relationships: How to tackle multi-faceted stress during ‘long slog of uncertainty’

Do you think those around you are testier than usual? More on edge lately? Or maybe, if you are the self-reflective sort, you’ve realized that you are the testier one, the one jumping down other’s throats at the drop of a hat. The things that used to be minor conflicts, easily forgotten, now seem to escalate into fights of more intensity and length.

Although it is minor comfort, you are not alone. The anxiety of the coronavirus, the escalation of racial tension, even the upcoming election are all acting to increase the stress many of us are experiencing, moving that stress from occasional, specific and manageable to chronic. And the impact is worse for people of color who have lived with the chronic stress of systemic racism their entire lives. All too often lately, at least for me, the stress escapes through sharp words, frustration and impatience which makes me (and probably you) not very pleasant to be around.

To be very clear, I am not talking about domestic or relationship violence. The roots and causes of interpersonal violence are very different from chronic stress, although stress can make it worse. I am rather talking about the environmental stress all of us are feeling right now and which most of us have few resources to understand or handle. Early on in the pandemic, there were lots of suggestions for self-care coming across my email and social media feeds. Guided meditations, breathing and cute puppy videos were shared widely and with the intention of keeping us all sane.

But now we are in the long slog of uncertainty. Will we reopen? What happens when we do? Will we have to wear masks forever? What if cases spike and we are right back where we started? Will the protests of systemic racism continue? Will they fade away? Will my candidate win? Will my candidate lose? Nothing feels certain, the ground shifts daily underneath our feet.

So I’m going back to what I know works, at least for me, in times of stress — care for others and taking care of myself. Interestingly, often the same practices work for both. For example, the intentional practice of gratitude. It can be as simple as thinking about three things for which you are grateful each night before bed. Or taking a deep breath before or during a difficult conversation to remember what you are grateful for in the moment — the person in front of you, that they care enough about whatever you are talking about to engage with you — there surely is something in the moment to be grateful for.

I am also going to limit my time on social media. I realized while scrolling through my Twitter and Facebook feeds that other than occasional posts about baking or cute kids or animals, much of what I was seeing was outrage of one sort or another. While I know that there is much to be outraged about these days — and I am — I also know that posting about my outrage and a regular diet of other people’s outrage doesn’t support my own mental health or promote my healthy relationships with others. And I honestly believe that healthy relationships with others are what will see us through the next weeks and months, whatever they bring.

Right now when the stress is high, these two things, practicing gratitude and limiting social media, feel doable for me and hopefully will have a positive impact for me and for those with whom I interact over the next few weeks and months. And I might add in deep breathing and cute puppy videos. It can’t hurt.