Healthy relationships: Shining light in darkness for Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Fifteen years is a long time. And while I know that in many ways for many of us, the past six months have felt like fifteen years, as I look back on the fifteen years I have been writing this column on Healthy Relationships, I have to pause and take a deep breath. Fifteen Octobers. Fifteen years of commemorating Domestic Violence Awareness Month, of honoring those who have survived domestic violence and created new lives for themselves and their children. And sadly, fifteen years of remembering those who have died. In the fifteen years I have been writing about domestic violence in the month of October, there have been ten homicides within families in Centre County. While our numbers are small compared to Pittsburgh or Philadelphia, here in Centre County, there are ten families missing a loved one, ten families torn apart by violence — most by a long history of violence that ended in a homicide, ten families who will never be the same. Fifteen years, ten families. That’s a lot.

So once again in October, we shine the light on domestic violence. All around the county this month you will see purple lights shining in the darkness reminding us that victims and survivors of domestic violence are our neighbors, our friends and our family members. All those purple lights remind us that domestic violence is not a personal problem or a family issue. It is a community issue that demands a response from all of us. And community problems rarely have simple or easy solutions. So, we keep working at it.

We keep listening to victims and survivors as they tell us what they need: a compassionate response by law enforcement and a justice system that prioritizes their safety and holds perpetrators of violence accountable. But if we listen more deeply, survivors tell us more. They tell us they need affordable housing, jobs that pay a living wage, access to education and training, good and affordable child care, physical and mental health care for themselves and their children, and a network of people around them who understand the impact and effect of trauma on their lives. And those are things that must come from the wider community and require long term commitment and work.

One of my favorite quotes is attributed to the Talmud, and whether it comes from there or not, I find its words rooted in the Old Testament prophet Micah, to be wise and helpful and encouraging. “Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.” This quote reminds me that while we won’t finish the work before us, we can make a difference in the lives of many victims in Centre County. While we won’t end domestic violence in my lifetime, we can change the ways our children interact with one another and what they learn about acceptable behavior between intimate partners. While domestic violence will still happen, we can teach friends, family members, colleagues and co-workers to recognize it and respond appropriately. While families will still be in conflict, we can provide a safe space for child custody exchanges and visits. And while we can’t do everything, we can do some things to help victims become survivors. So, we’ll keep listening to survivors, and keep doing the work — as long as it needs to be done.