Healthy relationships: Use Valentine’s Day to review your relationship. Get started with this checklist
The older I get the more I need to be reminded about things. Even in the midst of (or maybe because of) a pandemic, I have to write things down, keep a calendar of appointments, and ask the people around me to remind me of things. If I don’t, I am lost.
I set alarms on my cellphone. I write notes to myself — and then have to remember where I put the notes and what my shorthand might mean. So I appreciate regular reminders. The reminder to check the batteries in the smoke detectors when you change the clocks for daylight saving time is a good one, although we frequently just wait for it to start beeping. Your mother’s birthday can be a reminder to call and say, “I love you.” Reminders, whether they are annoying beeps or a gentle nudge, bring to consciousness those things in our lives that we often take for granted, or that we assume are fine unless a problem arises.
This time of year, we get lots of prompts to buy candy and flowers and cards for those we love. But what if the reminder was to go deeper? What if we made Valentine’s Day a regular reminder to review our relationships? What if, in addition to flowers and cards, we sat down with our partner and reviewed those things about our relationship that are healthy and we value as well as those things that may be less healthy and we would like to change? A regular reminder to review our relationships could help us be more intentional about how we treat our partners and how we want our partners to treat us. Below is a quick checklist to get started. Give yourself and your partner a big, red heart each time you can answer “yes” to the question, “Do you and your partner ...”
Have fun together more often than not?
Always feel safe with each other?
Trust each other?
Support each other’s individual goals in life?
Respect each other’s opinions, even when they are different?
Solve conflicts without putting the other down or making threats?
Both accept responsibility for your actions?
Both apologize when you are wrong?
Have equal decision-making power about what you do in your relationship?
Have an equal say in financial matters?
Each have some privacy that is respected by the other?
Communicate about sex, if your relationship is sexual?
Allow each other “space” when you need it?
Always treat each other with respect?
While this is certainly not a complete list of questions, it does raise many of the issues basic to healthy relationships. And as you have this conversation, you and your partner may identify some not-so-healthy things that you want to change. Perhaps part of the regular review could be coming up with a list of questions pertinent to your particular relationship. So while you are remembering to buy the cards and flowers on Sunday, remember to write on the calendar, set the alarm or post a note to review the primary relationship in your life. It will last a lot longer than the flowers.