Healthy relationships: Resources can help parents talk to kids about sex and sexuality
For many parents, talking to kids about sex and sexuality is scary. Although we know that as parents we must do it, “the conversation” looms awkwardly terrifying.
As I move closer to grandparent age and away from active parenting of kids and teens, I’m encouraged to see younger parents accessing resources and being more comfortable talking about sex and sexuality than many of my contemporaries were. But I think talking to our children about sexuality continues to be uncomfortable for many of us. We didn’t have those conversations with our parents, so having them with our kids can be a challenge no matter how clear we are that they are necessary, how clear we are about our own values around the issue of sexuality, how clear we are about the appropriate words for body parts. And although our children might have been closer to home for the past year, the pandemic with its increased time spent online for kids of all ages can bring new dangers to our kids.
Our kids need us to talk to them about sex and sexuality. One of the best tools parents have to help keep their children safe from those who would sexually abuse them is open, honest conversations about what healthy sexuality looks like. Teaching children about their bodies and personal boundaries helps them understand and identify if someone tries to cross those boundaries. Helping children learn that their bodies belong to them, that they have a right to say who can touch them and how — and respecting the boundaries we’ve helped them create — empowers children and young adults to listen to their feelings and recognize if someone is trying to hurt them.
Teaching your children about healthy sexual development — what they can expect their bodies to do and the emotions that go with their growing bodies — helps them be prepared to handle situations that might catch them off guard. Teaching your children about your values with regard to sexuality — that relationships between sexual partners should be based on core values of mutual respect, shared power and trust, for example — lets your children and teens know what you believe and what kind of response they can expect when they talk to you about their relationships as they mature. And being open when they talk with you about experiences that may be different than yours or different than you expected communicates that conversations about sexual orientation and gender identity are OK.
Sadly, though, we know that as well as we have prepared our children, as safe as we’ve tried to keep them, sometimes bad things happen. If some horrible day, the unimaginable happens and your child is assaulted, the conversations you have had with your child about healthy and appropriate sexuality will make it more likely that your child will come to you for help. The conversations that seem so difficult now will create an environment where your child can come to you, knowing that you will understand, you will not blame, and you will help.
April is both Sexual Assault Awareness Month and Child Abuse Prevention Month and so a perfect time to connect with your children and teens about what healthy sexuality looks like. There are lots of resources available to parents to help have these conversations at places like the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC.org) or childwelfare.gov. It is time to do everything in our power to prevent sexual violence across the lifespan in our community. As Nelson Mandela has said, “Safety and security don’t just happen, they are the result of collective consensus and public investment. We owe our children, the most vulnerable citizens in our society, a life free of violence and fear.” Even if it makes us a bit uncomfortable to do it.
Local resources to know
www.mountnittany.org/childadvocacycenter