Healthy relationships: This Pride Month, what parents should know about creating safe spaces for gender identity
“There’s just some magic in truth and honesty and openness.” This quote from musician Frank Ocean makes me smile and exemplifies the spirit of Pride Month. This Pride Month, I think it is important to think about how we as parents can create safe spaces for our children to come out and come into their sexual orientation and/or gender identity. Because that is what good parents do – they create safe spaces for their children to be who they are.
Creating safe spaces for your children, as all parents know, begins even before they are born. When babies arrive, we do everything we can to create safe physical space for them – putting up baby gates, covers on electrical outlets, making sure they are secure in car seats. Most parents also want to create safe emotional and psychological spaces for our children – affirming their efforts, encouraging their creativity, responding appropriately to their feelings. But for those of us who are cisgendered in heterosexual families, we sometimes forget that creating a safe space for our children’s developing sexual orientation and gender identity is just as important. As children grow, the American Academy of Pediatrics (healthychildren.org) encourages parents to:
Advocate for safe spaces where children can explore interests without judgment or stereotypes. Resist the pressure to classify toys, clothes or experiences as only for girls or boys;
Support diverse friendships and social involvement without focusing on gender expectations;
Provide exposure to people working and enjoying activities outside of conventional gender expectations. There are lots of activities in our community for families this Pride Month (Google Centre LGBTQA Support Network to find out)
Engage in regular conversations with your kids about their interests, friend groups, romantic attractions (this is good for so many reasons!) and about any bullying that may be taking place. Take it seriously.
As you work to create a safe space for your child’s developing sexual orientation and gender identity, it will be more likely that your child will feel comfortable disclosing to you how they are feeling. The coming out process is different for everyone and it is hard for children and teens to come out, even when we as parents have done everything possible to create a safe space for it. Making themselves vulnerable in that way is a risk for your child, no matter what age, but there are things you can do to make it easier.
When your child discloses, respond in an affirming, supportive way.
Accept and love your child as they are — they need this validation to develop into healthy adults.
Stand up for your child (or teen) when they are mistreated and make it clear that slurs or jokes based on gender, gender identity or sexual orientation won’t be tolerated. Remember that your children are watching and listening to everything you say – and don’t say.
Watch for danger signs that may indicate a need for mental health support – even with supportive parents and families, coming out isn’t easy in our world and we internalize a lot of wrong and inappropriate societal messages about gender identity and sexual orientation.
Connect your child with LGBTQA+ affirming organizations and resources and events. Participate in those with them. Do your own homework so you are equipped to be a resource for your child.
Support your child’s self-expression. Let them be who they are, let them experiment if they need to do that and create a safe space for them.
Pride is about more than LGBTQA+ folks finding pride in who they are – it is also about their parents being proud and showing that pride to their children and to the world. What could be better than your child becoming who they are meant to be and you being proud of the ways you helped them get there? Sounds like healthy parenting to me. Happy Pride, friends!