Healthy relationships: Having difficult conversations with family members can strengthen bonds

“I see my folks are getting on and I watch their bodies change; I know they see the same in me and it makes us both feel strange.” Those lines from the Bonnie Raitt song, “Nick of Time,” keep running through my head this morning. Yesterday, my family gathered to celebrate my father’s 90th birthday. It wasn’t exactly the big extravaganza we had originally envisioned last spring. The plan had been to gather all the family, a command performance for all 10 grandchildren and their families, in the family home in Colorado. But life has a way of disrupting the best laid plans, of course.

As it turns out, my father has moved to a memory care facility where he can have the round-the-clock monitoring he needs. My dad was privileged to have the resources available to make choices as he aged and he made his own decisions about moving into independent then assisted living. As we discussed the need for more care for him, we worked to give him as much choice as possible in the next steps for his life. And all things considered, the move to a memory care facility close to my sister has worked well and he is happy there.

What made all this possible, however, were the plans that my parents put into place before these difficult decisions became necessary. Several years ago, my parents went to their attorney and set up durable power of attorney, prepared living wills with their end-of life preferences spelled out clearly, and discussed all of that with us, their adult children. After my mother’s death and as it became clear that my father could no longer manage his own affairs, my siblings and I had all the necessary paperwork and authority to put the power of attorney in place to act on his behalf. We could also remind him that he and mom had set this all up for us to manage, and while it was difficult at times for him to give up years of managing his own affairs, we worked through that together.

Aging and end of life issues are difficult. It is hard to see someone who always had a good head for business get sucked into scams targeting the elderly, to see someone who worked to stay in shape physically suddenly need to use a walker and sit down every few feet. And wrestling with our own aching joints and slower gaits truly brings the realities of aging home. As the song goes, “No matter how you tell yourself it’s what we all go through, those lines are pretty hard to take when they’re staring back at you.”

I am convinced, however, that as challenging as the emotions of aging and end of life issues are, what makes them easier to navigate is facing the realities squarely and doing what you can to be prepared. Talk to your parents about what they want and need from you as an adult child and then when the time is right, have those conversations with your children. What makes and strengthens healthy families is being willing to have hard conversations about real life issues. And conversations about real end of life issues should be a part of that.

This story was originally published July 11, 2021 at 7:00 AM.