Healthy relationships: Mr. Nice Guy or a threat? You can’t tell by looking

I recently saw a very scary picture of New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. Clearly angry in the photo, his facial expression was a canvas of pent-up rage just waiting to be flung on some innocent bystander. Since Governor Cuomo is guilty, according to a recently released report by the New York State Attorney General’s office, of multiple instances of sexual harassment, his angry expression in the photo is perfectly understandable given the multiple calls for his resignation.

But I wish the news outlet had used another picture.

Too often, when pictures of someone accused of violence of any kind — domestic violence, child abuse, sexual assault or harassment — are used in news stories, the photo is of someone seething with rage about to boil over. While I understand the goal of helping the reader feel the emotional impact of such crimes, pictures of angry abusers also send another message. The implicit message the angry abuser picture sends is that you can tell by looking who will be abusive, who is a threat to others, who is someone wise people should avoid at all costs. But the truth is very different.

You really can’t tell by looking.

The challenging reality is that those people who pose a threat, to us, to our children, to newly arrived college students, usually look exactly like us. Which is to say, they look pleasant and approachable — even friendly. Some of the same people we think we’d like to meet at a party are those who use that very approachability to lure us in and hurt us.

I thought of that recently when reading the account of the Olympic fencer shunned by his team and unable to stay with them in their Tokyo hotel because he was considered a threat to his female teammates. (The ridiculous “safety plan” put in place by the US Fencing Committee is a story for another day). What caught my eye was that after being suspended from Columbia University, this man continued to hang around that university and its students and apparently came to parties at Penn State. It is easy to see how he would fit right in — a fencer from Columbia who conveniently didn’t mention that he was on suspension for sexual misconduct. I’m sure he looked like everyone else at the party, young, gifted, and with the extra cache of being from an Ivy League school. Why would anyone be suspicious?

As we move into a new fall semester, with 18- and 19-year-olds wanting to jump right into the college experience (some of whom have waited more than a year to do so), it isn’t the scary-looking people I worry will do them harm. I worry about the people who look just like them, young, eager, ready to have fun, but who are also ready to prey on those left alone or unsuspecting.

So here at Centre Safe, we will keep talking about reducing the risk of sexual violence by looking out for one another and intervening in appropriate ways when you see someone at risk (Stand for State has excellent Bystander Intervention Training). And if Mr. Nice Guy turns out not to be what he seems, Centre Safe advocates will be here, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, on the phone (814-234-5050) or via text or chat through our website at centresafe.org, to believe you, to support you, and to offer hope and healing. Because the sad reality is, you can’t tell by looking.