Healthy relationships: Help teens recognize all types of dating violence

It is that time again. In addition to the freezing cold and often snowy weather, February brings an explosion of red and pink, hearts and flowers, advertisements for jewelry, perfume and candy. Maybe the dismal weather of February encourages the rush to celebrate Valentine’s Day — or maybe we all just want a little romance. A little romance is great when it leads to or is part of a healthy relationship. But hearts and flowers, appealing as they may be, can sometimes hide the reality that the relationship we are in is not a healthy one. This is especially true for teens.

In addition to being the month of Valentine’s Day, February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month and so a great time to explore what healthy relationships really look like. Especially for those of us who have teens we care about in our lives, February can provide the opportunity to be clear about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in dating relationships. The reality of teen dating violence is chilling and for many parents of teens, surprising. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in 11 female and 1 in 15 male high school students reported experiencing physical violence in their dating relationships in the past year. And one in nine female and 1 in 36 male high school students reported sexual violence from a dating partner. And LGBTQ+ teens may be at even higher risk.

For adults who want to talk to teens about dating violence, and for teens who want to talk to their friends, it is important to recognize all types of teen dating violence:

• Physical violence — when a person hurts or tries to hurt another through hitting, kicking or some other type of physical force

• Sexual violence — forcing or attempting to force sexual contact when a partner cannot or does not consent

• Psychological aggression — the use of verbal or non-verbal communication with the intent to harm or control them

• Stalking — a pattern of repeated, unwanted contact from someone that creates fear for one’s safety

Too often we limit conversations about violence in relationships to only physical or sexual violence and we miss, minimize or romanticize psychological aggression and stalking. The truth is that psychological aggression and stalking are often the precursors to more physical forms of violence and ignoring or minimizing these forms of violence increases the likelihood that violence will escalate.

At the heart of every healthy relationship are some fundamental rights:

• You have a right to physical and sexual safety. No one has the right to hurt you — ever.

• You have the right to be treated with respect by those who say they care about you.

• You have the right to autonomy, to spend time the way you choose without having to report to or be controlled by your partner.

• You have the right to live without fear. No one has the right to make you afraid to go to school, work or out with friends or to impose their presence on you.

Take time this Valentine’s Day to look beyond the hearts and flowers into the realities of dating in the lives of the teens you know. Listen to their stories and concerns, then share — non-judgmentally — what you know makes for a healthy relationship. Loveisrespect.org provides some great resources for adults to talk to teens and for teens to talk to each other about the realities of dating in 2022. A little romance is nice in the moment, but in the long run, a healthy relationship is better.