Whenever I’m about to do something truly stupid, I hear my mother’s voice in my head.
I think that’s a compliment. I hope that’s a compliment.
After all, this voiceover role could have gone to my high school gym teacher or my orthodontist — even Russell Crowe gave a promising audition.
But Mom has had it cinched ever since she took me on a cross-county search for the perfect Spider-Man poster when I was 5 years old.
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In honor of Mothers’ Day, here’s some of Mom’s best advice — with a little bit of my own inflection thrown in for good measure.
Don’t call me “mother” — “Mom” tested younger.
Learn how to read the room: Your legal name is “Francis John Ready III” — and if I’m going to take the time to trot all of that out, it should be obvious that I mean business.
Your baby sister is just a new best friend: And would you ask Kevin’s mother to take him back to the hospital?
Your dad and I will argue sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we don’t still love each other: But if he can’t win, what chance do you think that you have?
Respect your belongings: That really nice sport coat we got you for Christmas? I don’t want to hear “I left it on the bus.”
Practice your baseball swing away from the house: This should have been self-explanatory. How was this not self-explanatory?
Watch your language: There are very few occasions in life in which profanity is called for. A baseball crashing through your dining room window just so happens to be one of them.
Learn to anticipate: I don’t want us to look back one day and realize that we wasted our best years together rehashing the same conversation about where clean clothes go.
Invest in decent footwear: Sneakers have no place at a college graduation. We did not shell out four years of tuition so that we could get photos of you collecting your diploma in a pair of Reeboks.
Have self-confidence: But do it in nicer shoes, please.
Don’t be afraid to try new things and go new places: Seriously, get out of my house.