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Mama always said ...

Tulips should be in full bloom at Walker Gardens. The gardens will be open for tours on Mother’s Day.
Tulips should be in full bloom at Walker Gardens. The gardens will be open for tours on Mother’s Day.

Whenever I’m about to do something truly stupid, I hear my mother’s voice in my head.

I think that’s a compliment. I hope that’s a compliment.

After all, this voiceover role could have gone to my high school gym teacher or my orthodontist — even Russell Crowe gave a promising audition.

But Mom has had it cinched ever since she took me on a cross-county search for the perfect Spider-Man poster when I was 5 years old.

In honor of Mothers’ Day, here’s some of Mom’s best advice — with a little bit of my own inflection thrown in for good measure.

Don’t call me “mother” — “Mom” tested younger.

Learn how to read the room: Your legal name is “Francis John Ready III” — and if I’m going to take the time to trot all of that out, it should be obvious that I mean business.

Your baby sister is just a new best friend: And would you ask Kevin’s mother to take him back to the hospital?

Your dad and I will argue sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we don’t still love each other: But if he can’t win, what chance do you think that you have?

Respect your belongings: That really nice sport coat we got you for Christmas? I don’t want to hear “I left it on the bus.”

Practice your baseball swing away from the house: This should have been self-explanatory. How was this not self-explanatory?

Watch your language: There are very few occasions in life in which profanity is called for. A baseball crashing through your dining room window just so happens to be one of them.

Learn to anticipate: I don’t want us to look back one day and realize that we wasted our best years together rehashing the same conversation about where clean clothes go.

Invest in decent footwear: Sneakers have no place at a college graduation. We did not shell out four years of tuition so that we could get photos of you collecting your diploma in a pair of Reeboks.

Have self-confidence: But do it in nicer shoes, please.

Don’t be afraid to try new things and go new places: Seriously, get out of my house.

Frank Ready: 814-231-4620, @fjready