Cover your eyes to tour Trump's algae-free Reflecting Pool | Opinion
Hello America-loving tourist, and welcome to the beautiful, algae-free Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, brought to you by President Donald J. Trump, the only man powerful enough to make the Reflecting Pool Great Again.
You'll notice the pool is surrounded by armed soldiers hoping you don't look at the water. That is for your safety and the safety of the newly refurbished Reflecting Pool, which is glistening and perfect and not at all covered with a thick layer of algae and stray chunks of American-flag-blue paint the media would have you believe exists.
Before we begin our tour of this remarkable national landmark, I'll remind everyone that there is no looking at the remarkable national landmark.
If you didn't receive blackout goggles when you bought your ticket for the tour, please keep your eyes shut or avert your gaze for the remainder of our time together. Anyone caught attempting to look at the Reflecting Pool or even thinking it might be anything other than 100% devoid of algae will be arrested and prosecuted.
Thank you, President Trump, for finally fixing the gross Reflecting Pool
The pool opened in 1923 and was terrible and gross until this year, when America's greatest president, Donald Trump, decided to give millions of dollars to a really good pool guy he knows or maybe doesn't know. No previous president had the intelligence to find a pool guy and give him a no-bid contract to paint a beloved national landmark blue while ignoring the underlying reasons the pool has historically been plagued by algae.
As President Trump said: "As a developer, I've probably built more than 100 swimming pools in different buildings I built, and I have some really good pool builders."
After the 2026 pool greatening, the fake news media began reporting that a massive algae bloom had turned the Reflecting Pool green and that chunks of the blue coating had come off the pool floor and floated to the top.
President Trump swiftly told the public the truth as he saw it, which was that "vandals" had sabotaged the pool. Evidence to support that claim was not provided, because a strong president who loves America does not need "evidence," and a weak press corps that reports on the president does not demand it.
Trump doesn't need 'evidence' to prove vandals attacked the pool
As news of the algae, which was definitely brought in by bio-vandals and wasn't caused by photosynthesis and the presence of nutrients like phosphorus and nitrogen, spread, authorities were dispatched to the area around the Reflecting Pool to make the landmark more interactive. They began arresting anyone who tried to dip a hand in the water, look at the water or say anything mean about the water.
A woman named Hannah Carol, who lives nearby, told NBC News: "I got yelled at from the National Guard by just like looking at it too close."
That's as it should be, of course, because not only did President Trump make the Reflecting Pool more stunning and algae-less, he also made it more of a space for nonvisual reflection.
At the Reflecting Pool, close your eyes and reflect on not seeing algae
Consider this: You all are either wearing your blackout goggles or avoiding looking anywhere near the soldier-rimmed Reflecting Pool. Any of you who have violated our "No Looking, No Touching, No Envisioning Algae" policy have already been dragged away and arrested for vandalism.
So I want you to reflect on how beautiful the Reflecting Pool that you definitely can't see is, and how amazing it is that President Trump was able to make it so much better than it had ever been.
Do you see the deep American-flag-blue paint on the perfectly sealed floor of the pool? Can you see the reflection of the towering gold statue of President Trump that was recently erected in front of the boring Lincoln Memorial?
You see, the Reflecting Pool is not about looking at what is actually there. It's about reflecting on the thing you're being told is there, and believing in it 100%, because if you don't, you will also be arrested.
I hope you've enjoyed today's tour of President Trump's amazing aquatic accomplishment. Please hand in your goggles as you leave, and do not, under any circumstances, turn and look back as you walk away.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Cover your eyes to tour Trump's algae-free Reflecting Pool | Opinion
Reporting by Rex Huppke, USA TODAY / USA TODAY
USA TODAY Network via Reuters Connect
Copyright Reuters or USA Today Network via Reuters Connect
This story was originally published June 23, 2026 at 4:02 AM.