Under the baobab: Mourning the loss of a soldier, ‘lighthouse’ for family during dark times

Our family, like millions of others, is in mourning for the loss of a loved one. My wife’s father, Francis Kane, known as Pop-Pop to his grandchildren and great-grandchildren, passed away at age 95. He had been in hospice care for several months. His passing was not a surprise but no less a devastating loss to his eight children and their spouses. He had been quarantined in the residence since March.

The last time the family was all together in the same location was at his 95th birthday party at that residence. Ironically, the day before there had been a celebration for a resident who had passed away. A few days later one of the residents passed away from the coronavirus.

Soon thereafter the facility went into shutdown mode.

His children refused to accept that their father would remain in spirit-draining isolation. They arranged to get together once a week, on Saturday, for a family Zoom call. For months they would gather, zooming in from Hawaii, Colorado, Boston, State College, Florida and nearby Maryland. They would spend up to two hours sharing the treasured trivia of cherished family events. Sometimes the grandchildren would join them, some from as far away as Spain and Italy. Those calls seemed to buoy everyone’s spirit, especially Pop-Pop’s. Though his spirit stayed afloat, it was obvious that his physical health was sinking.

He once told me that the primary reason he stayed alive was to take care of Joan, his beloved wife of 70 years. She joined the ancestors five years ago. Couples married over 50 years often pass within a year of each other. Pop-Pop had something more to do. He gifted his family five more years of himself, his wisdom, his humor and his love. It was helpful to some of the children who were working their way through problems. His presence was a lighthouse that allowed them to venture forth without losing sight of home.

Then after his birthday party, our world entered a dark place filled with a deadly plague, major economic depression, debilitating social isolation, social unrest resisting racial injustice, and acute political polarization amid a critical presidential election. Everyone found it difficult to navigate past icebergs where intentional or unintentional contact could result in being plunged into the depths of despair or death. In such despairing times the love and support of family and friends is essential to emotional and spiritual survival. Pop-Pop was there.

And then he wasn’t.

Sometimes the spirit is willing, but the flesh is tired. Francis Kane had the spirit of a lion. He was a West Point grad, retired as a “bird colonel” after serving his country for 30 years. He had served his country in three theaters of war, WWII, Korea and Vietnam. He led armies and raised a family. Then like other American heroes we have lost, he grew weary. He will be interred next to Joan in Arlington National Cemetery.

We like the rest of the Kane family will go on. Hopefully, we are coming on to a new kind of morning. There is work yet to do. We are blessed to have towering shoulders, like Pop-Pops, to stand on so that we can better see the sunrise.